HE WALKS down the steps and across the sidewalk to the waiting cab, still savoring his nobility. He’s working awfully hard at ignoring BW, but he can hear his voice in the back of his mind, telling him that he has been a sap, that he had a ripe peach in his apartment, his for the plucking, virtually asking to be plucked, and he has put her in a cab and taken her home so that he can feel like a worthy character in a sentimental old movie. You sap!
He’s about to get into the cab when the thought strikes him that this is the perfect night to walk home, slowly, chewing on his goodness till the flavor’s gone. He raps on the driver’s window. The driver winds it down.
“I’ve changed my mind,” says Matthew. He’s about to add, “I’ve decided to walk home,” but in his mind this sounds like a criticism of the earlier trip. So he says, instead, “I’m going to be staying for a while.” He leafs through the bills in his wallet, pulls out what he thinks is right, hands it to the driver. When the driver fans the bills to see how much is there, Matthew sees that one of the bills he had taken for a one is a ten.
“Hey, thanks,” says the driver. He pulls his wad from his pocket and places the bills in the appropriate sections, with the same denominations, lining them up just so. Matthew has hesitated beside the window, wondering if there’s any way he might point out to the driver that he hadn’t intended to include that extra ten. “Have a good time,” says the driver. He twists himself around, getting comfortable. For a moment, Matthew’s flattered. He doesn’t mind at all that the driver has assumed that he’s staying, that he is Leila’s lover. However, the driver goes on. “You want to be careful, though. These young ones can be expensive, know what I mean?” Up goes the window, quickly.
Matthew slams his fist on the cab roof as the driver roars off. He feels cheap. The driver thinks of him as an old lecher, Leila as a girl who would exploit an old lecher.
Damn.
There goes that warm, noble feeling, says BW.
Back comes the feeling that he’s ridiculous.
It wasn’t that way at all; it was nothing like what he was thinking. Damn. It was tender, it was sweet.
Matthew begins striding toward home, seething. Suddenly, he stops.
Why go home? What’s the point of going home? Why be a good man if you’re perceived as a bad one? he asks himself. Why be a sap? If Leila was teasing me, why not call her bluff?
Right! says BW. If she’s curious about what it would be like to make love to her mother’s lover, why not satisfy her curiosity?
Why not satisfy my own?
Why not, if it comes to that, just please yourself?
[to be continued]
In Topical Guide 522, Mark Dorset considers Self-Sacrifice versus Self-Indulgence; Self-Congratulation; and Being of Two Minds from this episode.
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🎧 522: He walks . . .