Everything’s changed now. I have to go away. I have to get out of this city.
Don’t be ridiculous. You’re just being dramatic. This will never come out. You’re not the sort of person a witness remembers, remember? Those kids won’t remember you. Neither will the cabbie.
I told the girl about being — I told her to call me BW.
Ah, yes. Well, that could be a problem. But, let’s face it — she probably wasn’t really paying attention. And she isn’t likely to read my reviews. Most of these kids don’t read anything, you know.
But I want to go anyway. I want to get out of here.
Where? Where will you go?
Somewhere, anywhere.
Well, make it somewhere warmer. Somewhere where that damned winter wind isn’t always moaning.
I feel it now. I feel that wind.
Of course you do. It blows in one day in the fall, and then for months everyone’s wearing galoshes and trudging, heads bent against it, that goddamned wind.
It makes you wonder — how many of us will make it to spring? I’m going to go. I’m going to change everything, change my life.
But you already have, Matthew. You’re someone now. You’re really someone. Someone to fear. Be careful, be careful of this man. He’s not the man he used to be.
I’ll disguise myself. Maybe I’ll change my name. We’re going to have to keep a low profile. Lie low, they used to say in the movies. Film noir movies. That old black phone at the Alley View.
We’ll be in hiding. We won’t be what we appear to be. Watch out for this man. He’s capable of violence. He will only take so much. There is some shit he will not eat. Hide your daughters — he has no scruples. Say, Matthew, that brings up an idea. We really should see Leila again before we go. If you let me handle it, we can still get in there.
I wonder what she’d say if I told her what I’d done.
Suppose you stopped there now? Suppose you showed up like this, bloody, on the run?
Do I have blood on me?
Well, no, but you might just smack your hand against this wall. Scrape it up a bit. It would be good if there were some blood, I think.
She’d assume I was the victim. She and Belinda.
Good. That’s good. You can use that. They’ll want to comfort you.
But I don’t want that. Don’t you see? They’re locked into one idea of me — just like Liz. Liz would call an ambulance right away if she saw me like this. Then the police. She’d assume that I lost. Somebody had beaten me up, mugged me, robbed me. She’d have me down as the victim.
Shit, Matthew, you’re really hopeless. I ought to call Liz, show you how to operate. Tell her I need an alibi. Tell her I’m going to get out of town. Tell her I’m sure I killed the guy.
Sure. But when she found out I hadn’t, there I’d be again, diminished. God, is that true? Would she be disappointed if I hadn’t killed someone? Would it take that much to change her mind?
How about this idea — don’t talk to anybody. Pretend that nothing has happened. Everything, everything has changed, but only you know it. Don’t let anyone else know it. Continue on. Do everything just as you would if nothing had happened. Stay right where you are. Don’t even change your name. The name’s the same, but everything else is different. Now you know what you can do.
Now I know I’m no better than anyone else. I’m as bad as everyone else.
If you want to put it that way. I could have killed him, you know. I could have killed him. I am capable of that.
Shit, I left my American Express card at Ike’s.
[to be continued]
In Topical Guide 559, Mark Dorset considers Allusion; and Music: For the Reservations Recommended Soundtrack Album from this episode.
Have you missed an episode or two or several?
You can begin reading at the beginning or you can catch up by visiting the archive or consulting the index to the Topical Guide.
You can listen to the episodes on the Personal History podcast. Begin at the beginning or scroll through the episodes to find what you’ve missed.
You can listen to “My Mother Takes a Tumble” and “Do Clams Bite?” complete and uninterrupted as audiobooks through YouTube.
You can ensure that you never miss a future issue by getting a free subscription. (You can help support the work by choosing a paid subscription instead.)
At Apple Books you can download free eBooks of Little Follies and Herb ’n’ Lorna.
You’ll find overviews of the entire work in An Introduction to The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences & Observations of Peter Leroy (a pdf document) and at Encyclopedia.com.
🎧 559: Everything’s changed ...