IN ARIANE’S MOTHER’S DEFENSE, it must be said that when the time came to name her she was reacting, perhaps overreacting, to the trouble caused by the names she and her husband had given to Ariane’s older brothers. They were both named Ernie.
Mrs. Lodkochnikov had a well-to-do Uncle Ernie, and so did Mr. Lodkochnikov. When the Lodkochnikovs named their firstborn Ernie, they had supposed that they would be honoring both old birds with a single son, but they found that the uncles didn’t appreciate this economy. They couldn’t accept the idea of one boy named for two uncles. Worse, each Uncle Ernie decided to assume that it was the other Uncle Ernie who was actually being honored and that he himself was merely being humored, patronized—perhaps even ridiculed. There was a danger that both of the uncles Ernie would wind up irremediably offended by the boy’s having been named for them. Fortunately, Mrs. Lodkochnikov’s next child was also a boy, and he was promptly named Ernie, in the hope that each of the uncles now could—and would—take pride in having a namesake of his own.
It didn’t work. Each of the uncles continued to believe that he had been slighted initially, and each regarded this second Ernie as a sop to his ego, which made them decide, after they had considered the situation for a while, that having the child bear the name Ernie was an embarrassment, since it suggested that the Uncle Ernie subjecting himself to this labyrinthine ratiocination had been offended by the fact that the first son had been named for the other uncle, that he was the sort of annoying old pest who is easily offended by such things, and that his ego was the sort of ego that needed sopping.
So, each of the uncles continued to regard Big Ernie, the firstborn, with envy, as the estimable namesake of the other uncle, and regarded Little Ernie with scorn, as the contemptible consolation prize tossed his way like a bone. Neither of the uncles was inspired to the munificence the Lodkochnikovs had hoped—even prayed—for, and, as a result, Mr. Lodkochnikov developed a permanent grumbling resentment of his sons. He fell into the habit of smacking the two lugs whenever they came within smacking range.
Mrs. Lodkochnikov, who felt that naming the Ernies had discharged all obligations to her relatives, or, perhaps, found that the ingratitude of the uncles Ernie had made her indifferent to such obligations, chose for her next child a euphonious name that she had heard a man’s voice call out one gentle spring day many years before, shortly after she was married, just a day when she was out for a walk. She heard a man call, “Ariane!” She turned in the direction of the voice just in time to catch a glimpse of a woman running toward a roadster, her chiffon scarf fluttering behind her as she ran. The name came to suggest to her lightness and a romantic life, so she was delighted to be able to give it to her daughter.
[to be continued]
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