“YOU THINK you still owe him an apology?” asked Artie. “Matthew, I mean.”
“Yes, I think so,” I said. “Him and the others, for insulting them, taking advantage of their ignorance, taking advantage of our friendship — ”
“You’re a sensitive guy, Boss,” said Tony T.
“A little too sensitive for your own good, I think,” said Artie. “I think he owes us an apology now, getting all of us to listen to that bullshit about the story of his death last night.”
“Artie,” said Nancy.
“Sorry, folks,” said Artie, “but if it looks like bullshit, and it smells like bullshit — ”
“I’m with Artie,” said Grumpy Cluck. “I was a little ticked off — more than a little ticked off — to be told that I’m nothing but a bit player in some guy’s last wet dream.”
“Oh, Clark,” said Alice.
“That’s what he was saying to us, wasn’t it? That he’s having this dream about the little blonde, Effie, and we’re just there for — ”
“Verisimilitude,” said Albertine.
“Gesundheit,” said Tony T.
“I, like, didn’t want to say anything at the time?” said Louise, “But when you just said that about rubes and hayseeds and bumpkins? I’m like, ‘That’s how I felt last night!’”
“You think he was just putting us on,” I suggested, and because the expression suddenly seemed as antique as my interest in flying saucers, I added, “having some fun at our expense — the rubes.”
“The butts of the joke,” said Lou, before turning the blender on and inserting a pause into the conversation.
“I believe him,” Ray said, after Cutie’s daiquiri had been blended. This brought on loud noises of disagreement from Cluck, Artie, and Tony T, but Ray stuck to his guns like a true professional. “I don’t mean that I believe what he said — I’m not that nuts. I mean that I believe that he was telling us what he believes is the truth.”
“You mean he’s that nuts,” said Miranda.
“Yeah,” said Ray, unwilling now to take the idea any further. “It could be, maybe.”
“Don’t you think it’s more likely that he just meant all of that figuratively?” asked Elaine.
“Yes, I do,” said Alice. “That’s exactly what I think.”
“Of course,” said Nancy. “I think that he did have a heart attack, he did collapse there at the entrance to the hospital, he did trip the electric eye as he fell, and the doors did open — but he didn’t die.”
“He had surgery,” said Alice. “A bypass or angioplasty — ”
Lou, Cluck, Artie, and Tony T all raised their hands as members of the me-too club.
“ — and he lay there in bed in the hospital trying to remember how he got there, and what he remembered was the story he told us.”
“So it is the story of his death, because it’s about realizing that time is running out,” said Elaine, “for all of us.”
“We’re all falling toward those doors, you mean,” said Cutie.
“Yes,” said Nancy. “We’re all at death’s door, on our way through it sooner or later.”
“So, carpe diem, boys and girls,” said Albertine.
“I’ll drink to that,” I said, and I did.
[to be continued]
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